Do you ever feel like you don’t know who you are anymore? Like, your life gets so wrapped up in this or that and suddenly you don’t know where you begin and this other thing ends. I’m an expert at getting lost in things. Books, movie marathons, the aisles at Target… but then something always wakes you up. Maybe it’s something a friend says to you in a casual conversation, or your pastor preaches at church, or you hear a particular song lyric that speaks to you. I remember a time in college when I was absolutely certain that Lifehouse’s “Who We Are” cd was written just for me; Every single lyric seemed to hit a soft spot in my bones. Other times it more than a conversation or a lyric, it’s being awoken from a deep sleep from the jolt of an earthquake. It’s a phone call at 2 am that breaks your heart. For me, I’m petty sure it was the boat accident with my family on Christmas Eve. It’s been months now and sometimes it feels like that whole thing was a dream, or a nightmare, like it didn’t really happen. And then other times, the memories of floating out there in the bay, so helpless and small and alone come back to me. The indescribable fear I felt when I couldn’t see my Dad anymore and I honestly thought he might be dead or unconscious or drowning. How hard I I had to fight away those fears and just keep swimming for shore, as car after car drove by without seeing the little floating blobs of yellow in the bay who were waving and yelling for help. It’s absolutely stunning how much time can slow down in a situation like that. An hour of feeling those feelings and thinking those thoughts felt like days. Every single second hung in the air and fueled the fear. I’ve never had so many thoughts in my life. And yet, I was being carried. My boots that filled up with water should have pulled me under the water when we first went in and I was hyperventilating. Instead, I sat there floating in the water, crying and screaming and without any kind of flotation device. I wasn’t even treading water. I was literally just floating, water-logged boots and all. My hair never even got wet the entire time we were out there. I didn’t swallow any water and my eyes didn’t burn with the sting of salt water. The current carried us first into the heart of the bay, and away from the waves in the ocean, and eventually towards the rocks where help would be waiting. We were scared and we were wet and we were tired, but we were ALL OKAY. I was the first one in the ambulance and I remember hearing that everyone was okay and out of the water and I just started crying. i was shaking from the cold, but also from the sobbing and the sheer thankfulness that I felt. I calmed down a bit when Isaac (my brother) joined me in the ambulance and gave me a hug. In an effort to comfort me he said “It’s okay Adriana, we are all okay. We are all safe. Everything is going to be okay” and I just lost it again. Similarly, when I saw Andrew walking and talking with the paramedic, I felt immense relief. And when the EMT’s told us, “We got your Dad, he is okay, but he is a little bit colder than you, so he is going to go to the hospital” I broke down again. read more